Summer Loving.
Challenges & Flowers.
As much as I absolutely hate the idea of constantly being challenged, I acknowledge the lack of growth without challenge. In the past, I have been known to be quite a negative thinker. My brain was full of roots, as the bottom quote may suggest. But I am slowly realizing that being positive about this whole recovery process is key. Sure, there are days I want to slam my head against the wall, find myself crying on the bathroom floor with a bottle of wine, or can't stop cleaning because my mind is racing and I need an "outlet". 
But for the most part, I have been pretty level-headed since my new-and-improved positive outlook. I guess you could say that I started looking at things for what they are and not what they are. Let me explain. For example, I find it much easier to get through meals by looking at my plate as a helping of protein, heaping of calcium, pinch of iron, and yes, even a dose of carbohydrates. This, for me, is much easier to think about than overwhelming myself with the idea of a full plate of 
I admit, I have definitely gotten caught up in the pinterest/girly/DIY craze. But as a young professional, straight out of college with more responsibilities than the number of my age, sometimes I just need a mindless break from the choas that is an adult life. I guess I should also say that I started this blog as a way to "find myself", as my therapist may suggest. If you're anything like me, you are probably just as confused as I was by that statement.
"But, uhm, how am I supposed to find myself through blogging?...
Am I lost on the internet?
Shouldn't I have to travel the world and write 101 books and see you for years on end to find myself?
You know, like Eat, Pray, Love".
Turns out, therapist was right. I am learning a lot about my procrastination, writing styles, relationship with my dog and much more, just by sharing my thoughts through this blog. I'm not sure that her goal was for me to mainly post quotes, but it's a start. So, in all, this is what I have learned about myself through blogging:
- I love the color combination of pink, mint & gold.
- I like to use the & sign, instead of writing the word "and".
- I am addicted to coffee.
- But not really, because you can't be addicted to coffee, only caffeine.
- I don't drink anything but coffee, water, and wine.
- Therefore I am NOT addicted to caffeine.
- I am dependent on coffee.
- I need to brush up on my adobe skills, as I can never get the pictures on my blog centered.
- I should probably spend more time exercising and less time watching OITNB.
- OITNB = Orange is the New Black.
- I love OITNB.
- My role model is Ellen DeGeneres.
- I have a lot of favorite things.
- I not only procrastinate in therapy, but at work, too.
- I spend way too much time obsessing over my puppy.
- She is pretty cute though, if I do say so myself.
- I want to be a writer, professionally.
- Okay fine, I already knew that one.
- I really love coffee.
- I've actually never seen the entirety of the movie Eat, Pray, Love.
- That reminds me, I'm pretty sure my Netflix account is going to expire soon.
- I need to fix that so I can continue to obsess over OITNB.
- Wait, is Eat, Pray, Love on Netflix? Brb.
“It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength.” - Marya Hornbacher
A few years ago, at one of my lowest points, I wrote a post about recovery and what it meant to me. Today, the Real Simple quote of the day is a quote that I keep close to my heart, and that I mentioned in the post from 2011. Though things have changed since I posted this three years ago, it can help to look back and notice any progress I may have made...
"Many people in my life, some family, friends, therapists, nutritionists, school counselors, teachers and various advisers have often questioned my past, where I've been, but few take the time to inquire about where I am and where I'm going. I can relate my recovery to the Wizard of Oz and their yellow brick road. I never get off the road, but I also don't always go forward. The stops along the way, obstacles I face, are very much related to the characters found on the journey. There are times I feel as if I don't have a brain because I literally cannot think, remember or form words. Others, I feel as if I don't have a heart, emotionless and much like a tin man. And courage is probably the most important of the three, something I lack in most situations.
It's clear that I wish to graduate from George Mason University's
undergraduate program and anyone who has ever taken the time to get to
know me knows that I aspire to attend medical school in the future. But
something someone recently asked was what recovery meant to me. This is a
concept that I never really took seriously, but I've started realizing
that at this point on the yellow brick road, it's something I should be
spending every minute of every day thinking about. I can't necessarily
put a concrete definition to the word, aside from textbook criteria.
What I can do is think of all the daily bothers and simple struggles
that have turned into what seems to be a never ending battle within
myself. For starters, I would like to wake up and get out of bed without
having to run my finger over every protruding bone in my body, counting
the ones I feel and comparing them to yesterday's observations. I would
like to shower without feeling the need to do squats while washing my
hair, get dressed in less than a half hour and put one simple layer of
make-up on instead of three complex. I wish to one day be able to eat
breakfast, lunch and dinner without thinking of each and every calorie
touching my lip and head straight to my ass, and getting through a meal
without envisioning the nearest toilet, sink or shower. I want to drink
coffee because I truly enjoy the taste and not just as the only source
of energy I can bear to intake.
To me, standing in front of a mirror and being able to look at the
person staring back at me without criticizing her every flaw and
obsessing over the imperfections, without pinching every ounce of skin
covering the bones and being able to smile means recovery. On a more
"health" recovery, I wish to one day fall asleep without listening to
the stomach acid crawling up my esophagus, burning the inside of me.
Falling asleep and staying asleep for more than just a few moments is
also a goal. I want to run because I love it, not to lose weight.
For now, I am trying to survive each day, but I am sick of being sick and don't want to simply survive, but live."
A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.
#June2014
One of my favorite things to do is to research new music. I love hearing new tunes and choreographing endless routines in my car while I'm driving to work. I typically label my playlists by the month and year to keep track of when I found the song vs. when I first hear it on the radio. These three songs are all on my June 2014 playlist, along with "Latch (feat. Sam Smith)" by Disclosure, "Mirror" by Kat Dahlia, and "Love Runs Out" by OneRepublic.
It's probably obvious that I didn't find "Thunder Road" by Bruce Springsteen less than a month ago, but it is one of my favorites and appears on almost every playlist of mine! I currently have "Rather Be (feat. Jess Glynne)" by Clean Bandit on repeat. If you haven't heard it yet, I recommend listening to it! The lyrics are great and can relate to just about anyone.
"We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea,
But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be.
I would wait forever, exalted in the scene,
As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat.With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay,Strolling so casually.
We're different and the same, gave you another name,
Switch up the batteries.If you gave me a chance I would take it,It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it.Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me,When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be.N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be.We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace,Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete.It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity,As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be."
The Dash
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning... to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth,
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars... the house... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?
- Linda Ellis
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth,
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars... the house... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?
- Linda Ellis
Marya Hornbacher
Today's favorite post is dedicated to my favorite author, Marya Hornbacher. Not only is Marya witty and intelligent, she is a fabulous writer and exceptional person. Her updated edition of Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia can be found online, along with her other publications, Sane: Mental Illness, Addiction, and the Twelve Steps, Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power, Center of Winter and Madness: A Bipolar Life.
Out of pure desperation, I messaged Marya about possibly mentoring me through the whole publishing process. Many things come up while publishing a book, manuscripts, publishing type, different publishers, too much. To my surprise, not only did Marya respond personally, she agreed to mentor me through publishing my memoir and will be helping me through this tedious process.
If you haven't already read one (or all) of her books, I highly recommend them. To learn more about Marya and her work, please visit her webpage.
http://www.maryahornbacher.com/home.html
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